if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
