Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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