I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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