I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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