My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
