You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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