just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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