Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
