If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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