new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
did i walk over a car last night?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
