Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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