Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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