I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
