God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
