What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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