I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
