The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize