OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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