he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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