Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize