Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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