im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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