We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
then he tried to convert me to islam
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize