I'm going to jail i love you
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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