My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
