I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
