I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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