Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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