respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
