Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm going to jail i love you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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