The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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