Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
