I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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