Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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