So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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