a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize