Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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