she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize