My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
