Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
