I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
