I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
