Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
