Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
