i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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