I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize