People in love make me want to vomit
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
