My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
