we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
