I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
