it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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