My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
