my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
