my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
