I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
