just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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