Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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