the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
