I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize