I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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