Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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