I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
