I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
