There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
