My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Barsexuality is the new black.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
3 2 1 whiskey
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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