I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
