I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
