we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize