My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
