evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
