thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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